The Lima Bean Revue
by xirtadar
Summary: Slash. ChaseJack. Can Jack and Chase's relationship survive an underage brothel and Wuya's disdain?
1. Chapter 1

"Jack Spicer!" Chase Young bellowed. "I know you're in here. Stop hiding."

"Go away!" screamed a small voice from inside a box labeled 'Dried Lima Beans.'

"Spicer, I insist that you quit this temper tantrum immediately."

"But you told me I looked fat!" Jack screamed in reply, his voice gaining some of its old energy back.

"That's not what I said, and you know it. Can we talk about this in the throne room? It's musty in here."

Jack climbed out of the empty box he had been hiding in. A stray lima bean stuck to his right temple. He brushed it off with a delicate flick of his wrist. "Your whole lair is musty, Chase."

"Well, the pantry is especially musty," Chase agreed. "Look, I'm sorry I said that you looked bulkier than usual in that pashmina shawl."

"I thought it looked good."

"Yeah, if you're the Fortune Queen of New Orleans," Chase shot back.

"There you go again, making fun of me!" Jack stepped out of the box and ran toward the door. Chase stepped in front of him.

"Where do you think you're going, Spicer?"

"Um, I'm going to go take a bath in your enormous bathtub."

"Oh, really? Room for one more?" Chase asked greedily.

"Absolutely not. I'm pissed at you." Jack crossed his arms huffily and stomped off to the boudoir.

Chase went to tend to his jungle cats, which were a constant source of comfort and conversation for him, even though they couldn't talk back. Chase was beginning to regret his decision to let Jack live with him in his lair. It had been a difficult decision. At the time he had justified it with some sort of evil plot, but like most of his evil plots, it had been thwarted by those awful Xiaolin monks. Jack still lived here, though, and every day Chase's patience was wearing thinner and thinner.

It all began one cold January morning. Chase was in Jack's basement seeing if Jack had taken his Ching Ling Snowshovel. While Chase was busy snooping, Jack ran into his basement wailing miserably, tears flowing from his eyes, smearing his eye makeup slightly. Usually this sort of emotional display disgusted Chase, but this time something was different. He felt an urge to take care of the poor boy. Deep down beneath all of the evil, there still lurked the man he had once been. Usually he tried to suppress these feelings, but combined with the animal lust he usually felt when he was around Jack Spicer he just couldn't help himself. Chase revealed himself to a surprised Jack, who quickly denied he was even upset.

One thing led to another. Their affair lasted several months before Jack's parents found out. They kicked him out of their house and that's how he ended up living with Chase: In another moment of apparent weakness, Chase agreed to house Jack until he got back on his feet. It had been two months so far, and Chase was tiring of this permanent houseguest.

Chase rubbed the top of Mr. Jingles' head with his palm. The gigantic cat began to purr. "Oh, if only Spicer were as easy to please." Chase said softly. Mr. Jingles began to growl. "Oh, why do I even care if he's happy? The old Chase Young wouldn't give a damn. I'm growing soft. This is why those Xiaolin monks are always able to beat me." Mr. Jingles started to purr again. Chase got off and stomped towards the boudoir, where he found Jack languidly lounging in the giant slate tub.

"Hi, Chase," Jack said sarcastically.

"Jack, I want you out."

"Well, I'm not leaving. It's your fault I'm not living in my parents' basement anymore, so therefore, you have to house me."

"No, Jack. That's not how it works. In a moment of weakness I agreed to your temporary stay here, but that moment is over. I tire of you and your incredibly perky bottom."

"Nobody could ever tire of that!" Jack said getting out of the tub. He wasn't wearing any clothing. "Where am I supposed to go?" he asked.

"It's really not my problem, Spicer," Chase sneered. "Now get off — I mean, out — before I sic my Jungle Cats on you."

Jack dried himself off slowly, purposely taunting Chase with his beautiful, smooth body. He put on his clothes, layer by layer, taking his time to buckle every buckle, and there were lots of buckles.

"Jack!" Chase screamed, his eyes flicking green like the sun just before it sets. Jack grabbed his heli-pack and slowly walked out of Chase's lair. In truth, it was difficult for Chase to say good-bye to Jack's incredibly perky bottom. But that did not mean he wasn't glad to rid himself of the rest of Jack Spicer. Nevertheless, he knew that this wasn't good-bye forever — just a temporary pause in his and Jack's endless adventures.


	2. Chapter 2

Jack flew around with his heli-pack for hours, sobbing, not caring which direction he was flying in. He really had nowhere to go and he decided that he would just live wherever his heli-pack ran out of fuel. Unfortunately, this was over the tough streets of Portland, Oregon. Jack had once read an article in the Evil Times about how Portland was a haven for teenage runaways. He stuffed his newly useless heli-pack in the nearest trash receptacle and walked into a park.

"Hey there, fire-crotch," said a voice behind him.

"Are you talking to me?" Jack asked the man. He was in his late fifties, by the looks of him.

"The name's Dr. Formeldehyde," Dr. Formeldehyde said, "but you can call me Chuck."

"OK, Chuck. What do you want?"

"Looking to make some dough?"

"I guess I'll be needing money. An evil boy genius can't live on Shen Gong Wu alone."

"I run a little establishment called the Fish Tail over on Crotching Way."

"Yeah? You need a waiter or something?" Jack asked stupidly.

"Of a sort. Come with me, little boy," Dr. Formeldehyde said creepily.

"Um, that's OK," Jack grumbled. "I'm going to wait for a pimp with a less creepy name to try and pick me up. If one doesn't come along, I'll be in touch." Fortunately, this was the seedy side of Portland and one came along shortly. That's how Jack began his career at the Hurley House Nightclub, owned by a Mr. Hempstead Hurley. He had a large curled mustache and he really took a liking to Jack.

Jack wasn't a prostitute, per se. He never actually had intercourse with any of the clients. He was more of an exotic dancer. The clients really got a kick out of his milky white skin and bright red hair. He'd dance around for a few hours, get a few bucks stuffed in his briefs and spend the rest of the night hanging out with the other boys who worked there. Like him they were all runaways. Well, Jack wasn't really a runaway; he didn't really run away from anyone. Nobody wanted him. One of the boys, who Jack spent most of his time with, had also been kicked out by his parents. His name was Todd. He was very tall, almost 6'4" and extremely skinny. He had shockingly black hair. He had also been kicked out of his home by his parents and somehow ended up in Portland. Mr. Hurley kept the backstage area (or as he called it, the "green" room) stocked with lots of marijuana, which Jack started to use regularly. Being high made it much easier to go out there and shake his stuff in front of a bunch of lecherous old dudes. Often, Jack and Todd would spend all night giggling and stuffing themselves with Cheetos. Backstage he was good old Jack Spicer, but onstage his exotic dancing alter-ego, Spice Jacker, took over. He was a hit.

Jack shared a room with all of the boys upstairs. It was kind of cramped, but it was also fun. Mr. Hurley charged them each $200 a week to live there, which was really a rip off, but that also included all of the drugs they could smoke. Sometimes Jack would have to do private "dances" for clients. The clients really liked him and often requested private "dances," but Jack usually refused. By the end of the week he was usually pretty desperate for cash though, and he would succumb.

The private "dances" usually consisted of Jack, scantily clad of course, awkwardly rubbing himself against the gleeful client's wrinkled flesh. It was one Sunday night at the end of February when Jack was asked by Mr. Hurley to do a private "dance" for a client. Jack asked who it was for and Mr. Hurley just pointed to a group of Japanese businessmen on the other side of the bar ogling a blonde teenager named Rick. "One of them," Mr. Hurley answered. "They all look the same to me."

"That is so not politically correct," Jack shot back.

"Look, Spice, I run an underage gay brothel. I don't need to be politically correct," Mr. Hurley responded.

"I guess that's..."

"Now go show Mr. Tohomiko a good time," Mr. Hurley interrupted, slapping Jack on the right butt cheek. "Room 8."

Jack trudged up to Room 8. Once there he took off everything but his underwear. It was kind of drafty in the room, so he put on a Chinese-style silk robe. 'Why did that name, Tohomiko, sound so familiar?' Jack thought to himself, 'Oh shit! Wasn't that Kimiko's last name? Could this be her father? No. There are probably thousands of Tohomiko's in Japan.' Still the thought gave him the shivers.

A few minutes later there was a knock on the door. "Come in!" Jack said in the sultriest tone he could muster.

In walked Toshiro Tohomiko, Kimiko's father.

"Mr. Tohomiko!" Jack shouted in surprise.

"Yes, that is my name."

"Don't you recognize me?" Jack asked.

"Recognize you? Why would I have ever seen you before?" Mr. Tohomiko looked confused.

"You're Kimiko's father; we've met."

"Oh shit. You're one of her little friends."

"Well, not exactly. What are you doing in Portland? And most importantly, what are you doing in this gay brothel?"

"I'm in town for a video game convention. And more importantly, why are you in a gay brothel in Portland?"

"Please don't tell Kimiko!" Jack pleaded.

"Only if you promise to not tell her I was here."

"OK."

"And give me a free dance."

"You are a shrewd businessman, Mr. Tokohomo, or whatever your name is." And with that the deal was sealed.


	3. Chapter 3

Jack was sitting on the top bunk eating lima beans directly from the can. They weren't even heated up or anything, he just had the munchies that bad. Mr. Hurley walked in and grabbed the can out of Jack's hands.

"Hey, what did you do that for?" Jack asked stupidly.

"Spice, you've got a special request."

"I don't feel like it right now. Can't one of the other boys do it?"

"No, he specifically requested you — and he's a big spender."

"Ooooh!" Jack squealed. "Those are my favorite."

"Well, put on that pink feather boa of yours and meet him in Room 4."

"Will do!" Jack exclaimed, fake-saluting. He wrapped himself in the pink feather boa, which really didn't agree with his coloring, but the clients seemed to like it. He touched up his eyeliner, which was admittedly a bit smudged. Voila! He was ready to go. He stepped out of the room and ran down to the second floor. He opened the door to Room 4 to find Chase Young lounging languidly on the fainting couch. "Chase!" Jack exclaimed.

"Hello, Spicer," Chase slimed.

"What are you doing here?"

"Well, I've come for a private dance from the famous Spice Jacker." Chase's eyes were mocking.

"No, really. Why did you come here?"

"Well, I guess you can say I had a change of heart and I've decided I need you after all ... for an evil plan, of course." The truth was Chase had missed Jack's extremely perky bottom terribly and he couldn't get Jack out of his mind no matter how many times he defeated the Xiaolin monks.

"You missed me."

"Heavens no!" Chase shot back. "I, um, think you will be perfect for this new scheme I have. You'll be, well, bait."

"Bait?" Jack raised his eyebrows doubtfully.

"Yes. I need you to lure the Xiaolin monks to my sexy bachelor pad —

I mean, lair. Sexy bachelor lair."

"Why don't you just steal one of their Wu?"

"It's more complicated than that. I've learned from a source that Raimundo has quite the thing for pale-skinned redheads."

"Oh?"

"I need you to go to the Xiaolin temple and seduce him. Then get him back to my lair."

"What for? A threesome?"

"Ick. No. Alone he will be easier to defeat. Without him the other monks are significantly weaker. They will be easily defeated."

"What makes you think _I_ can seduce Raimundo?" Jack asked.

"Well, you just look so sexy in that awful boa," Chase said sarcastically, giggling sinisterly for a moment.

"Shut up," Jack said, playfully punching Chase on one of his heaving pectorals. "Come upstairs and help me pack. To be honest, this whole underage gay bordello thing was getting a bit stale."

"I totally agree. Anyway, I'm not going to help you pack because I'm a huge jerk. I'll be waiting in front in my rented Maserati."

"Ooh, sexy," Jack growled, leaving to pack. Things were looking up for Jack once again!

It wasn't as hard for Jack to say goodbye to all of his new friends as he thought it would be. Most of them were passed out, and all the news of his departure elicited was a grumble of acknowledgement. Mr. Hurley, of course, was disappointed to be losing one of his top earners, but Jack had lasted there longer than most of his boys, who usually disappeared after a few weeks.

"Well, Spice," Mr. Hurley said, frowning slightly. "It'll be different around here without you, but good luck with your new sugar daddy."

"He's not my sugar daddy!" Jack insisted.

"Yeah, whatever."

And with that Jack was off to start his new life as Chase's plaything.


	4. Chapter 4

After an extremely long drive in Chase's rented Maserati the dynamic duo arrived at Chase's lair. Things were pretty much the same as when Jack had left, except perhaps thing were a little dustier. 

"Um, where should I unpack my things?" Jack asked timidly. 

"I have set a room aside for you. You can unpack there," Chase replied, not looking Jack in the eye. 

"You mean I'm not sharing a room with you?" Jack was starting to whine. 

"Absolutely not. You snore. I can't get any sleep when you are in the same room." 

"But I don't want to sleep alone. This place is creepy and sometimes I have nightmares." Jack's eyes were doing that thing that they do when they water up and get really big. 

"Ugh, fine. But I want you to take a sleeping pill. Your night terrors are really obnoxious." 

"I think they're kind of cute. They're part of what makes me, well, me," Jack looked triumphant. 

Jack went to put his things in Chase's room. He didn't have too many things — a small collection of thongs with funny things printed on them like, "Come and Get It!" and such. He had a powder-blue feather boa that someone had given him. 'That would look great draped over Chase's throne,' Jack thought to himself. Then he thought better of it. 

Jack had just finished putting all of his stuff in Chase's ex-sock drawer when he heard a loud cracking sound. He ran out in the main cavern and found Chase talking to Wuya. 

"What is _she_ doing here?" Jack asked indignantly. 

"Oh, Jack's back?" Wuya asked Chase haughtily. 

"Yes. I find it," Chase paused, "useful," Chase paused again, "to have him around." 

"That's not what you told me!" Jack yelped to Chase. "He said he loved me." 

"No I didn't," Chase snapped. 

"Yes you did!" Jack snapped back. 

"No I didn't." 

"Yes you did!" 

"ENOUGH!" Wuya shouted. "I didn't come here to listen to the two of you squabble like a couple of teenagers." 

"I am a teenager!" Jack defended. 

"That's besides the point," Wuya continued. "I came here because, as much as it pains me to say this, I need your help." 

"My help? Really?" Jack asked, looking extremely hopeful. 

"No, silly, Chase's help. You're totally incompetent. Anyway, don't you need to recover from your latest stint in 'rehab,' or whatever you're going to lie and say you did during the past whenever?" 

"No, I'm feeling fine," Jack shot back huffily. 

Chase looked calmly at Wuya, trying to ignore Jack's presence, as difficult as it was. "What do you need? I'm sure we can work something out." 

"I need you to steal the Changing Chopsticks from those petulant little monks. Then I need to borrow them." 

"And why would you need them?" Chase asked. Jack sat down on the cold stone floor and pouted, pissed at being ignored. 

"Um," Wuya replied. "I think my boyfriend is cheating on me. I need to find out." 

"You have a boyfriend?" Chase asked doubtfully. 

"I do, as a matter of fact. A woman has needs, you know." 

"I'll do it on one condition. You have to tell me who he is." 

"You don't know him." 

"I know everyone." 

"Fine. I'll tell you, but Jack has to go. I don't want him telling all of his little friends." 

"He has no friends." 

"I just don't want him knowing." 

"Jack," Chase said, looking down at Jack's pathetic display of pouting. "Can you leave the room for a moment?" 

"Absolutely not. This is my home now too," Jack said. 

"Then I won't tell you, Chase," Wuya announced. 

"JACK! Get out of here this instant!" Chase yelled, neon green flames flickering in his eyes.

Jack ran away screaming, arms flailing.

Chase turned to Wuya calmly and said, "Now tell me who your boyfriend is."


	5. Chapter 5

"Fine, but you have to promise not to tell anyone." 

"I give you my word," Chase replied, secretly crossing his fingers. 

"Yeah, whatever good that is. Anyway, it's Mr. Tohomiko." 

"Kimiko's father? Oh, this is rich," Chase replied, smiling broadly. 

"Anyway, I want to know what he's doing on all of these 'business' trips he's always on. I'm going to use the Changing Chopsticks to sneak into his briefcase, so I can see what's going on." Wuya paused, her expression changed. "Do you think I'm being overly possessive?" 

"Wuya, you're a Heylin witch. Of course you expect complete and utter obedience from him." 

"I guess you're right. At first I was just in it for the sex, and for the expression on Kimiko's face when she found out, but now I think I'm starting to develop feelings for the man. I know it's despicable."

"Actually, I can relate to that. You know ... me and Jack. Well, it's been difficult." 

"Don't compare my tawdry affair to your lecherous crush. Actually, they're both deliciously evil so go ahead. Anyway, I must be off. We have reservations at Jean Georges, and we can't be late. Ta!" 

"Farewell," Chase snivelled.

X

Meanwhile Jack was hurriedly putting all of his worldly possessions back in his suitcase. He was so angry. How could Chase have treated him like that? Jack had always been jealous of Wuya, because she always seemed to win. Kind of. He tried to get the zipper shut, but it kept getting stuck on the feathers of the boa, which he had stupidly placed on top. 

"What are you doing?" asked an icy voice behind Jack. 

"I'm leaving you," Jack responded, not looking up. 

"But you just came back. Come on, calm down, my pretty little Jack." 

"No! You can't treat me like that! Now I'm here on my terms, not yours, and if I want to leave, then I can do it." 

"Not if I tell my jungle cats to stop you." 

"You wouldn't. Ugh! I hate you!" Jack threw a balled up pair of socks at Chase. 

"What will make it all better?" Chase asked, tiring quickly of all the dramatics. 

"Tell me who Wuya's boyfriend is, and I guess I'll forgive you." 

"I can't tell you that," Chase paused. "I gave her my word, remember?" 

"Yes, but I also remember that you're evil and you have no morals, so dish." 

"Fine. She's dating Kimiko's father." 

Jack turned pale. "You're kidding, right?" 

"No, why?" 

"Um, I don't think she needs the Changing Chopsticks to find out if he's cheating on her. I know he is." 

"How do you know that?" Chase snapped back. 

"Because, well, I don't know how to say this, but ... I slept with him." 

"Oh, gross." 

"Yeah, I know, he's really old and fat." 

"Totally," Chase agreed, uncharacteristically. 

"Well, what do we do about this? Should I tell her?" 

"Absolutely not. Then she would know that I told you." 

"Oooooh!" Jack squealed. "So much drama! I just love it." 

"Ugh," Chase groaned.


	6. Chapter 6

Jack settled into life back at the lair pretty easily. He would usually stay at home while Chase went out on evil business. Jack enjoyed long baths in Chase's gigantic stone bathtub, which was really more of a pool than a bathtub. "Chase!" Jack cooed from his seat in the pool-tub, which he had made into a bubble bath with generous amounts of Mr. Bubble. 

"What is it, my precious?" Chase came around the corner and into the boudoir. 

"Join me." Jack batted his eyelashes. 

"In the bath?" Chase asked doubtfully. 

"Of course, dummy." Jack playfully splashed in the direction of Chase. 

"Oh fine, but I have to go find my swimming trunks. They're in my closet somewhere." 

Jack looked disappointed. "You wear swimming trunks in the bath?" 

"It's really more of a pool, Jack." 

"No, it's just a really large bath. Besides, right now it's a bubble bath and, well, I'm not wearing a swimsuit." Jack stood up to reveal his naked body. 

"Oh, I see." Chase looked at him lecherously. A little creeped out, Jack sat back into the pink water. 

Chase stripped off his robes and slid into the hot water. "I wish this thing had jets." Jack whined. 

"Well, it doesn't. It was built thousands of years ago, before they had any concept of that." 

"That's not true," Jack corrected, "We learned in World History..." 

"Shut up." 

"Okay." 

Chase waded over to where Jack was sitting and put his arm around Jack's skinny shoulders. "Jack, I..." 

Just then they heard a loud bang and saw a bunch of smoke. Suddenly Wuya was in the bath with them. "Hello, boys," she said, trying to play it cool but obviously surprised to have materialized in the bathtub with the two of them. 

"You have to stop showing up unannounced like this!" Chase snapped. 

"Yeah!" Jack added, "We could've been ... you know..." 

"Oh, whatever, I don't have time for this," Wuya said. "I came to get the Changing Chopsticks." 

"We haven't had a chance to get them yet," Chase responded. 

"We've been a little busy. It's hard work settling back in," Jack added annoyingly. 

Wuya looked at Chase disgustedly, ignoring Jack's presence altogether. "You've gone soft on me, old boy. Have the Chopsticks for me by tomorrow." 

"How about two days? We have a trip to the conservatory planned for tomorrow," Jack bargained. 

"No!" Wuya shrieked. "Well, I must be off. I have opera tickets." 

With that, Wuya was off. 

"Well, Jack, we had better stop dilly-dallying and get that wu," Chase said. 

Jack looked at him all teary-eyed. "You'll never understand!" he screamed, bursting into tears. He then ran away, arms flailing, to the bedroom, where he collapsed on the bed. 

Chase was right behind him. "Jack, what now?" Chase asked. 

"I just hate how she treats me. It's like I'm not even there." 

"Ah. Well, you need to do something to make her respect you." 

Jack looked up at him, eye makeup smeared all over his ivory face. "Like what?" 

"Well, why don't you get her the Changing Chopsticks? Then she'll be sure to respect you." 

"What a brilliant idea." Jack perked up. "I'm going to go get them right now. Those stupid monks won't know what hit them." 

"Um." Chase paused. "You might want to fix your eye makeup first." 

"I kind of like this effect," Jack said, looking into the compact he always kept with him, just in case. 

"Well, it's terrible." 

"Fine." 

XXX 

Jack tuned a knob on his helipack to a newly installed setting — silent. 

'They won't know what hit 'em.' he thought to himself. He silently landed in the courtyard of the Xiaolin Temple. He tiptoed over to the tower where the Shen Gong Wu were kept. Raimundo was sitting in a chair by the door, but loud snores alerted Jack to his  
ineffectiveness. Jack turned the knob and let himself in. 'They still don't have a lock? This is too easy,' Jack thought. He looked around until he found the Changing Chopsticks. "Aha!" he said out loud. Just then, he heard a loud siren and the spiral staircase he was standing on tuned into a slide. He fell on his perky butt and started to slide down until he landed in a cell at the bottom. The iron door to the cell slammed and locked behind him. 

"Jack Spicer!" said Omi, obviously pleased with himself. "I knew you would come for those sooner or later." 

"Let me out of here, cue ball," Jack yelped. 

"Not so fast! Now hand over our wu." 

"No way." 

"Orb of Tornami," Omi shouted, holding out his Orb of Tornami. A powerful jet of water emanated from it, dousing Jack. The Chopsticks flew out of hand. They landed in the water on the ground, and washed right out of the cell and onto Omi's foot. Omi bent down and picked them up. "You had to do it the hard way." 

Just then Clay lumbered down the stairs, which had turned back into stairs by that point. He was wearing pajamas with a matching sleeping cap. "What's all the ruckus?" he asked stupidly. 

Omi turned around and answered. "I have caught Jack Spicer trying to steal our wu!" 

"Well, what are you going to do with him now?" 

"I don't know," Omi replied. 

"Why don't you just let me go? I promise, I'll never do it again," Jack pleaded. 

"Do you think we're stupid, pardner? You've tried to steal our wu more times than a cowgirl with a toothache—" Clay was cut off rudely. 

"Enough!" Jack broke into tears. "Oh, nothing ever goes my way." 

"I say we kill him," Kimiko said, emerging from the shadows.


End file.
